LET US GIVE OUR CHILDREN, A STRESS FREE

WORLD!

Dear Friends,

There are a couple of issues that bother me a great deal, and I would like to share them with parents, teachers  and students, so that  together we can evolve a consensus as a school and a community of people who  share a common goal of shaping children’s lives.  

Why is schooling, i.e. learning, the cause of so much stress on our kids, often breaking them completely?  Who is at fault:  the schools, the Board, the curriculum, the Society at large, Teachers,  Parents, Peers, or a combination of all of them! 

I would request parents and children through this medium, to be part of a  forum where we  discuss the problem and exchange views, so that we are able to generate clarity and solutions  on the  issues. Can we create a consensus to make the school life of our children a joy, an opportunity to grow up and blossom to their best potential ?

I have always been passionate about children. Children  provide us with the opportunity, the sounding board and the experience to refine our  own  views about the world and how we are required to shape it to make their future a better place.   The kids teach us, day in and day out, by their  generosity towards  us for all the wrong  we do by omission and commission, and they do it in such a fashion that we do not even notice it. How many times do we fail to notice our  kids, how many ways and how easily we judge them, how many times we fail them in not preparing our lessons, coming late to class, ignoring to notice their pain that is often writ large on their faces, and at the end of it all they still forgive, love and appreciate us!!!

Among other things,  like  a safe environment, good education, financial security, etc.  that our children have a right to,  the most important,  is to be able to grow in an atmosphere of complete love, emotional and moral security and full understanding.

The Sources of Stress:

What are the areas where our children experience severest stress?

a. Physical handicap or any other element they are born with and consider  negative,  could be a major stress factor.  Kids need to be educated on these issues and  parents will be able to do so, only if they  believe what they want their kids to believe and accept.  Schools  and particularly teachers must be extremely alert to any use of peer aggression based on these issues. Schools should positively promote plurality as the greatest and most beautiful reality of our world.

b. The peer group is almost synonymous with pressure groups. Schools are  a cauldron of different cultures and values that flow from different families.  Children brought up in value systems of temperance, respect for others, use of civil and decent language,  dress codes,  supervised partying,  use of money, etc have to confront others with different preferences and profiles. The resulting differences of opinion among fellow students are reflected in tensions between parents and children  causing alienation and stress, sometimes of  a serious nature.

c.    Exposure to opposing value systems can be also highly damaging, and even students who come from highly value ruled homes,  can be adversely affected. New aspirations ( influenced, by modern liberal trends), and the desire  to express affection especially in interpersonal relationships, otherwise legitimate to their age and time,  which are not acceptable to family value norms, also  cause severe stress in  children.  The internet, the TV, modern literature,  and  newspapers contribute in no small way for this inbalance.

d.  The difference of opinion arising out of the exposure and teenage growth matters,  cause friction and misunderstanding leading to strained  relationships between children and parents.  The use of telephone and the regulations imposed by the parents can often be a major bone of contention, as  some parents allow its free use, while others do not!

All the above stress areas,  follow from the diversity of human nature and personal choices that families and cultures make.  There are other stress areas,  caused by external conditions.

a.       The  manner in which the school, teachers and parents judge   and classify  children  according to their studies or some incidental mischief, and the use of offensive language  especially in public can be highly stressful and damaging!

b.     Studies and the inability to cope with them is the major factor that affects the self-esteem level  of students.   The result could be complete stagnation in studies, lack of concentration, inability to sleep, withdrawal, aggression and above all stress. Often the attempt by parents to project their unfulfilled plans onto their kids, and compelling them to take up courses that they are unable to cope with, is the big problem.

c.      Lastly and significantly too, the constant experience of self-rejection and general feeling of one’s inability to come to a certain level of the class is the last nail on the kids’ self esteem and of course a major cause of stress.

d.     Last  and very significantly too, the CBSE curriculum and what it expects of the children in Class XI and XII is something that may lie at the root of cause of this issue. 

Caught as we are in a maze of issues that complicate the life of our kids, much more than we ever faced, in our days, it is important that we alleviate the  burden that the kids are compelled to carry and which they cannot and  do not deserve to.

The major cause of friction between parents, teachers and children is the difference of perspective and assessment of issues.  However much grownups may  claim awareness about the issues that the young face, there is always a difference level, and it is here, that we need to adjust ourselves, in order to accommodate our children.  Our major failure is perhaps our inability to communicate with our children openly and discuss issues that affect relationships. 

Parenting is an art, and the practice of that art should indicate to us, in rather obvious ways, what the child needs, what the child wants to talk about and what the child wants to keep discreet.

The principles of engagement between children and elders are based on these fundamental principles: (1) the child is an individual, therefore (2) he or she has a right for his or her individuality, which means s/he need not be a replica of me or any one else, (3) as an individual s/he has her or his dreams, preferences, likes and dislikes which may or may not be acceptable to the parents, but they exist, (4) the child needs to be accepted, which often means we have to come down, to a level where the elder is able to see, hear and want the way the child wants, and because often this is not possible ( the adult will have to accept what the child sees, hears and desires), (5) a difference of opinion is not always a rebellion, and (6) the unwillingness of the child to share fully is not lack of trust, and (7) the ability of an adult to influence a child is directly proportionate to the his or her idea of the adult as someone s/he deeply respects and loves.

If we are able to have our line of communication  with our kids  open and going at all times, the child is far more disposed to talk her or his problems out, which is the first step in stress bursting at all times.  We need to grow up in understanding the child’s needs even if s/he does not want to tell us, and offering to help the child is different from snooping on  or nagging  him or her! The art of good parenting also includes and very importantly the art of correcting the child, trying to discuss with him or her as an equal, and restraining to react in a manner that alienates the child. Last but not the least, saying sorry to a child is the biggest sign of asserting equality and desire to reach out to the child in a genuine effort.

With this I am making a serious effort to initiate a dialogue between parents and teachers and their kids, in our common effort to make our children’s life a joy at all times and their journey to adulthood a beautiful and stress less melody!

With sincere regards to all our parents and children for a school life full of joy!

Fr. Jose Alarico Carvalho

prin@agnel.org